i hate you!

baby.
the one and only man who will never ever fucking judge me for my looks.

why are guys like that?
if the girl isn't pretty, does it mean she doesn't have feelings?
what if a very pretty girl said that you look disgusting to your face?
how would that make you feel?
don't fucking judge a person just because she ain't pretty.

jokes?
there are limits to jokes.
if the joke is starting to hurt people's feelings, then it isn't a joke anymore.
sensitive?
what if someone, especially a friend (and a very pretty one) ,
said that you looked disgusting to your face?
how would that make you feel?
wouldn't it hurt your feelings?

to the person who said it to me,
i won't and i refuse to be upset over this issue. eventhough it fucking hurt my feelings.
but, before you go judging people for their looks,
take a good look in the fucking mirror.
you don't look any better than i do.
at least i look decent and clean.
and you don't.
i know i don't have the regulation hottie face,
but it doesn't make me a person with no feelings.
so please, think before you speak.
you have a brain and mind.
so please, utilise it.
don't speak without thinking.
it doesn't make you that great a person eventhough you know how to earn money and you live on your own without your parents.
you still have your flaws.
and sad to say,
i don't think you know any of them.
besides that fact that you smoke like a bitch.
i know my flaws.
and i try to improve on it.
grow up dude.
and take a good look around you.
nothing pretty lasts forever in this world.
beauty will fade as time goes by.
what matters is the inside.
sure i know first impressions and all are important.
but at the end of the day,
it all comes down to this.
what matters is your heart.
are you a person with good intentions?
or not?

i fucking hate the fact that i get taken advantage of most of the time by my own flesh and blood.
i feel so sick of myself.
why can't i just speak up whenever i'm facing a dilemma?
why do i choose to keep everything to myself?
and when it all gets too much i lose my head?
and say things i don't mean to say?
i wish i could tell you how much it hurts every single time you say things to me that hurts.
maybe it seems innocent to you but it hurts to me.
i wish i could tell you how much i hate the way you treat me when it comes to what you want.
how you treat me earlier in the day and how you treat me when it comes to transportation.
i hate the way you ignore me and then call me for transportation.
what am i?
a fucking driver?
i've told my friends and every one i can think of.
don't ever mention the fact that you're using me for transport.
because i would know if you are indeed using me for it.
because if you were indeed using me, like a friend once did,
you would ignore me earlier in the day before asking me for transport or the minute you reach your destination of choice.
and if you weren't using me for transport, you will treat me the way you usually do earlier in the day and whenever we reach wherever we wanna go.
you wouldn't ignore me. at all.
let me emphasize, at all.
and sadly, you're under the first category.
and then when you do find out how i feel,
you tell me that at times you feel as though i'm damn fake during the day.
my happiness is forced.
i'm forcing myself to be happy.
so, if you do feel that way all the time,
why don't you just find someone, with transport, who isn't a fucking fake?
i hate the fact that i have to spill all these into a blog instead of telling it to you.
why?
why am i so weak?
i didn't speak up to my other flesh and blood when whatever she does pisses me off.
and look where its landed me.
a cousin who i can't see eye to eye on anything when we used to be so close!
so close. we buy everything together. eat together. sleep together. everything!
you name it, we've done it!
and now?
i can't even look at her in the face and the same thing goes for her as well.
yet somehow, all these words can't describe how i feel.
its as though my anger is a prism.
and any way i explain it just explains one of the many facets of the prism.
it feels so hollow.
so empty.
and to some, childish.

i'm sorry that i have to spill all these out into the blog.
but i feel as though it would be the only way for you to realise.
for people to realise.

xoxo,
me <3