friendships.

what does it feel like?
not belonging anywhere.
you tell me.

i hate feeling left out, unbelonging ( is that a word? ).
i don't have a certain place to be, a certain group of people to who i belong.
i had the first taste of non-belonging after so long.
and true to itself, it fucking hurts.
do they know what it feels like?
no, they don't.

its like, everywhere i go,
i feel a certain sense of non-belonging.
whoever i go out with, i don't belong to that group.
they treated my sister and i as we i didn't exist.
we are all civilized people.
so, don't treat people like they're jakuns la!
you are a civilized person.
not some aborigine that came deep from the jungle.
heck! even aborigines have manners!
so fuck you. and all that you've created.
i feel so disappointed at your lack of skills to treat people equally.

i hate feeling like this.
no matter where i go, i am isolated.
am i not a person who breathes and feels like you?
don't i deserve some equality in the treatment you give others?

i feel like a butterfly.
not as pretty as one.
but the way they flutter from here to there.
i flutter from this group to that group.
with no destination at the end.
no matter who i hang out with at that certain time,
i am never going to belong there.
maybe because i am not good enough.

everyone has a group that they belong to.
and i don't.
how i envy those people with a certain group of friends.
who they know they can run to when times seem dark and unclear.
when the future seems bleak and dark.

i only have my girls and lately, everything and everyone seems distant.
maybe because i am too focused on finding somewhere i can belong to in school.
and sadly, its backfiring.
no one remains long enough.
i miss the old times when we could laugh at everything and hang out.

i want to feel needed, wanted.

how i wish i was still in kindergarden.
no one there judged.
everyone stays together.
they don't judge you based on appearance.
all they want to do is be friends. and they stay true to their friendships.

whatever i am typing now seems pointless.
stupid, even.
i can't put words to how i feel.
its so prismatic that any way i explain it would be only explaining one of its many facets.
the words fall hollow.
and sadly, whatever i feel now will never go away until i find a place where i belong.
i know i have my girls,
and hell yeah.
i am going to try my best and right the faults in this one friendship where i find true and long lasting.
hopefully, it will last longer than my other friendships that are just like dandelion puffs.
one moment of thrill and then blown away with the wind.
who else do i have but them?...

so fuck you! i am never ever going to let you and jakunness bother me after tonight.