friends?

i just realised one thing.
most of my classmates and schoolmates from my primary school have all forgot or forgotten.
so far, and i can use all my oddly-shaped fingers to count, i've only been in touch with only 3 of them.
is my cousin counted? no? okay. minus one. i only have 2.
and i wonder why that is?
was it the moving?
or was it my horrible screwed-up behaviour?
or was it my face that somehow gives people headaches?
usually, i wouldn't count the previous sentence as an excuse.
but i've had too much experiences on that.
people judging me from how i look.

oh oh oh.
i remembered a time when i was in form1,
and icq was the thing before msn (or maybe it was to me)
one of the older students who were older than me by a year added me up and chatted with me.
i could remember it was a friday night.
that was the day i realised that adolescents hate for absolutely no reason.
out of pure manners and naive-ness, i chatted and tried being normal.
when she messaged me, it scared me out of my wits.
i remember thinking, 'oh god. no. don't let what happen in school happen right now.'
to me, i'd rather hear the harsh words than see it written to me, or in this case, sent to me.
i just couldn't take it.
so, anyway, she chatted with me.
this was how the conversation went..

she said, 'actually, you're quite nice.'
i said, 'why do you say that?'
she said, 'you don't know that most of us in school hate you wan meh?'
i said, 'err... yeah. i am aware of the fact.'
she said, ' you didn't hear me screaming 'carol, you suck!' outside of school today meh?'
i said, 'yeah... i heard.'
she said, 'do you know why all of us hate you?'
i said, 'i don't know...'
she said, 'you look like *insert name* and we damn hate her wan.'

i stared, dumb-founded, at the computer screen.
when it was getting late, i went to my room, locked it and cried to myself.
i was being punished for someone else's faults.
how fair was that?

i am perfectly aware of my own flaws, thank you very much.
i absolutely don't need people like that to point it out even more.
it hurts.
how would you feel if people screamed right into your face that you are one ugly piece of crap?
that you are a sad excuse for a human being?

so is this way people fall out?
from sad or disturbing or horrible behaviours or for their looks?
is it because his/her face made you angry every time you set your eyes on them?

i envy those people who have friends who remained long enough.
from the primary school ages up till now.
as for me, i'm left behind with the friends i made last year and this year.
what i can do now is to be a better friend than i was before and hope that all of it lasts.