clean toilet bowls.

sometimes, i feel that my day can't start right if my toilet bowl isn't clean. so, when it isn't clean, i star scrubbing it with the toilet brush and sometimes, when it isn't good enough, i dump at least half a bottle of cleaning detergent into the toilet bowl and use that green thingy we use to wash dishes with and my hand can be halfway in the toilet bowl.

i know. its rather dumb to start off with how my toilet bowl can be. but i mean, think about it. public toilet bowls. no, seriously. think. it started off as a clean and sparkling white toilet. but, with regular use from irresponsible patrons, it becomes dirty, yellowish, and it smells foul. from afar, we can smell the pungent smell of toilet bowls. the toilet bowl has known an uncountable amount of 'body fluids, germs and smells.' "quoted from a book i am currently reading for the 5th time since i got it.'' so yeah. that thought just repulses me. and then i start to think, how glad i am to have that pair of flip flops to put a certain distance from my feet to the floor coated in grime, dirt, germs and bacterias in public toilet floors. you see, the female pees sitting down. so i have no idea how their pee can get all over the floor. i mean, we wouldn't have to straddle the damn toilet bowl if the previous owners peed properly. from the toilet bowl itself, my thoughts will just stream out to endless things. i start to be grateful to my flip flops, as rundown as they are.

mamak is a place where we can all get together, chat, hang out, keep up with the going ons about our friends' life that we didn't manage to keep in touch with properly since high school. right? you have to agree with me on that fact because that's where i do most of my catching up in. and then, as i look around the ground below my feet, i can sometimes see cockroaches. when i'm feeling all tense and upset, these little creepy-crawlie (as scary looking as they are) don't frighten me as long as they keep their distance. usually, when i see a cockroach from afar, i get all worked up and scared. but, like today, i was all tensed up. so i could still bear the sight of the cockroach. (from a safe distance.) and then i start to think about how grateful for having a pair of flip flops to ensure me a safe distance from my feet with the ground. because, sometimes, at the occassional shriek from a girl would bring the ah neh's foot upon the roach, squishing it. and these little creatures don't have a proper funeral. hence, their squished bodies are washed away without dignity when it rains or the ah nehs sweep the floor. and our feet wouldn't have the need to make contact with the ground and the body fluids of a roach. because of our flip flops! so i think that our flip flops are like some kind of unsung heroes. sigh...

don't you just hate it when you can't sleep properly at night and you toss and turn all night long? well i do. i hate how i can be asleep and then wake up every few hours because of a nightmare or because a stupid mosquito's buzzing around my ear or because i have a need to go to the toilet after consuming glass after glass of water before i went to bed. i find that i get thirsty very easily at night. last night, for example, i woke up at intervals. for nothing. hopefully, tonight would be my easiest descent to sleep. i want to sink into my bed and pillows and curl up under the comforter while the air-con hums on. i need new pillows. my current ones are so lumpy and flat.

i don't know why am i getting so worked up. maybe its because i just had an argument with shiang about the way life goes. i hate it how he gets all self-righteous whenever i do something he doesn't like. you see, its very easy to tell the way some people were in my school. other schools have more complex personalities. quite impossible to tell. whereas in my school, its insanely easy! i'm not being judgemental or harsh. but the thing is, its just so freaking easy because these girls in my previous school all want to be like who they admire. they'll start doing things out of the ordinary that it starts to become painful to watch. and sometimes, their efforts are for nothing because they can never imitate the exact same way their 'idols' behave. sure, you can imitate the way they tie their hair, carry their bags, the way they wear their uniforms, their catch-phrases, their likes and dislikes. but there will always be something about that particular someone that you cannot imitate. so give it up already! be yourself! goddamnit! seriously, its that easy! its as easy as snapping your fingers or reciting the abc. but, he thinks that i'm being judgemental. i judge a book by its cover. whoever who created that saying should just kiss my ass and go to hell. because, everyone judges! if you can honestly tell me that you have never judged someone or something in your life, then i will bow down to you,respect you and profess to you my undying faith and loyalty. really. i am not lying.

sometimes, i envy my mother. as drawn out as our lives seem to be these days, you can't help but admire the petite lady who practically raised her two good-for-nothing daughters single-handedly. that seems to be the way of life these days. single parent raising his/her children single handedly. and if your child manages not to get involved in drugs or anything awful like going to jail, you're practically god-like. i admire the way her life turned out after so many years of hardships and sadness and pain. maybe i am still a teenager who hasn't seen anything worst, but if i were her and had to go through the hardships of life, i'd probably end up crazy. really. her life was drawn out properly. her oldest brother planned this and that for her and all she had to do was follow. sure, she screwed up in marrying my dad. but still, her life still turned out fine. i admire her way of looking at things. seeing the good in every horrible bullshit that comes her way. i can't be that way regardless of how i try. sure, i could try and make the best out of it. but how can i when i think back on all my mistakes? would my life have turned out differently if i did well in everything i do? would it have made my mom's life easier? and what if my mom had married someone different. would i have even existed? would she be happier? what would i turned out to be like if she chose a different path? made all the other choices instead of the one she made?

but the thing about life is, you can't go back once you have made a decision. i realised that i am a person who frets alot when it comes to decision making. but once its been made, i'll go through with it and see it to the end. is it the right way? i wouldn't have any idea. sometimes, i feel so useless when i compare myself to my mother who has done so much. why do i lack the creativity skills that she has? my mom's asked me that question at least once. its something that can't be learned. you either have it or you don't. shiang's mistake was saying that creativity could be nurtured if you practised enough. oh, you are so wrong. creativity doesn't exist from learning. it comes from within. if you have it, then, great! if you don't, you just don't.

i don't know what's causing all this tension. i'm just going to curl up under my comforter and hide from the world. at least for a good eight hours. good night.