Wrong Reactions.

it sucks to hear your mom cry. especially when mother's day was just last sunday and she had been very happy with me the next day when she came back from singapore because i had managed not to burn the house down and the house was exceptionally clean. hello. i used a cloth and mopped the floor. my knees still ache a little. but it was worth it. since my mom said i could never keep the house clean or something. and the best part about that day, she gave me a kiss on the forehead while i was sleeping before she went out to dinner with her in-laws. i haven't had a kiss on the forehead from mom for a very very long time. call me mother-love-deprived. whatever rocks your boat.

and the worst part is, she cries because in her mind, my sister and i betrayed her. what makes matter worse for me is that my cousin, carey got an earful from my mother as well because my mother thinks that carey's hiding it from her and lied to her face and still wanted to protect me. carey doesn't even know the full story about the whole damn thing. it makes it so much worse for me because carey got scolded for our sakes. and was wrongly accused. and you know what makes me so retarded? i nearly laughed out loud when i typed 'sakes'. instead of saying it normally, i was thinking of 'sa-ke'. that japanese liquor.

i think, by now, you must be thinking. what in heaven's name am i talking about. right? right? right?? okay. basically, my mom found cigarette packs and is 100% certain that we're smoking. (sister and i) she confronted us, and our boyfriends, carey got scolded and there you have it. so, she's all upset and mad and even more mad at shiang because shiang didn't agree with what she said. my mom hates it when someone doesn't agree with her. someone in the family. she had expected shiang to say things that she wanted to hear but she didn't get it. shiang is the type of person who doesn't say much stuff if he disagrees with you. its a good trait. but when it comes to people like my mom, whatever he does will jeopardise our relationship. its difficult for me because, she is, after all, my mom. she's all mad and everything. she asks a question and when you answer, she takes it as though you're defying her and being rude to her. sometimes it pisses me off when i said that i am sorry and everything and she keeps needling and needling and when i can't take the needling anymore, i say things that make so much sense. for example : 'you ask me a question, i just answer. why ask if you don't want the answer?'. and she keeps quiet and gets even more angrier. i know i should just keep my big mouth shut. but then, if i don't answer, she gets angrier. what more do you want from me?? sometimes, i feel so... torn on what to do. ): she even wanted to give my sister and i away to my oldest uncle, because apparently, he is so smart and wise and strict and bla bla bla. but i think that since i'm 19, i can choose who i want to stay with, right? but, carey says she won't do that because we're all she have. i hate how she can talk so much more nicely with my sister than me. she'll scream and scold and condemn me and she'll only nag my sister. its really annoying.

at times, she says things like she regrets marrying my dad and having us. sometimes, i wish i can tell her, i wish she hadn't married him as well. if she married someone else, she would have had a better life. but then, my sister and i wouldn't be in existence. sigh... i really wish time can backtrack and take us back to the time where my mom was about to marry my dad. then she can make the better decision and lead a better life. i wish people loved me more. but how can people love you if you're one stubborn jackass? how i wish life was easier. that people still loved you even if you were a misfit, a trouble-maker. when this issue came up, people comforted julie when she cried. if i didn't cry while my mom scolded me and degrade me publicly, does it mean that i am not troubled and sad at all about it? people just like to think that i don't care. even my own boyfriend couldn't comfort me and just sat there, smoking, staring blankly into the tv, which happened to be playing wrestling. i really don't know what more to do.

but when you come to think of it, she's making a big fuss over us smoking. i cannot imagine if i tell her much more serious things. if i wasn't so afraid of her reactions and her words, i would actually jokingly experiment one day and tell her i'm pregnant. but since, she's so scary sometimes, that joke is one joke meant to be kept amongst ourselves, never to come into existence. wtf now also still can talk about jokes.

and now, the best part. she wants me in college.

at least now, she's talking and laughing downstairs with god-knows-who on the phone.

i hate today. good night. i am going to hide under the comforter until the world spins off its.. is 'paksi' called axis in english? ah. whatever. good night.