This is my 160th post. Yay me. (:
I love the nights. Especially when it rains cats and dogs. Along with lightning and thunder in the background. It makes the air much more breathable and we can save money on the electricity by switching off the air cond. But I hate it as well. Because it is the time where I am at my most vulnerable stage and I reminisce on the past and ponder about the future. Sometimes it goes to the extend where I think that I am about to have an emotional breakdown. And there are times where I cry my eyes out. Sometimes it feels like your heart keeps breaking and breaking and breaking till it could break no more but it still continues breaking. And there is nothing you can do to make it feel all better. No amount of tape could mend the heart and no amount of ice-cream can help.
I love the nights. Especially when it rains cats and dogs. Along with lightning and thunder in the background. It makes the air much more breathable and we can save money on the electricity by switching off the air cond. But I hate it as well. Because it is the time where I am at my most vulnerable stage and I reminisce on the past and ponder about the future. Sometimes it goes to the extend where I think that I am about to have an emotional breakdown. And there are times where I cry my eyes out. Sometimes it feels like your heart keeps breaking and breaking and breaking till it could break no more but it still continues breaking. And there is nothing you can do to make it feel all better. No amount of tape could mend the heart and no amount of ice-cream can help.
Which is saying something since I love ice-cream to bits.
Lately, I ponder on good and bad, right and wrong. If I am already doing something wrong, I try to do something good straight away to redeem myself. For example, I kill an ant and I go feed my dog straight away. Feeding my dogs redeem me from the crime I committed. After all, an ant is also a creature of God. Who am I to kill it? Bad metaphor. But I think you get the idea. But the recent bad thing that I did didn't give me the chance to redeem myself. I had to watch them take that chance away and I felt so horribly weak for not speaking out and express my intention. To actually do something twice in one go is something I try to avoid. But no. The most recent one involved doing something bad twice in a row. Right now, I am just overwhelmed with sadness.
I feel fucking horrible. Really horrible.
Lately, I ponder on good and bad, right and wrong. If I am already doing something wrong, I try to do something good straight away to redeem myself. For example, I kill an ant and I go feed my dog straight away. Feeding my dogs redeem me from the crime I committed. After all, an ant is also a creature of God. Who am I to kill it? Bad metaphor. But I think you get the idea. But the recent bad thing that I did didn't give me the chance to redeem myself. I had to watch them take that chance away and I felt so horribly weak for not speaking out and express my intention. To actually do something twice in one go is something I try to avoid. But no. The most recent one involved doing something bad twice in a row. Right now, I am just overwhelmed with sadness.
I feel fucking horrible. Really horrible.
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