life's a bitch

(: SMK BSD(2) was competing with other schools in rugby today. they've never lost a match before. but they lost in one today. thankfully their score was good enough to ensure them another match in the finals. oh who am i kidding? i seriously don't know how to describe it. my english is a little off these days. sigh... but the bottom line is they had matches and never lost in any of them till the semi finals and then they lost one and luckily it was only one match so they're still in the finals. there. (: i've done it. so anyway, i was watching the match. (it was much better than staying at home and rotting) and i noticed that these matches are quite violent. they push, kick, and punch(seriously, they punch!). maybe its quite common to do all these in a match. i wouldn't know, since i've never been to matches like these before. i do know that if u do any of the above in a football match, its counted as foul or something like that. hahahaha- whatever la. so anyways, i realised that the match was quite metaphoric. is that how u spell it? hmmm.. whatever la. so back to the point. i felt that, in order to live, u have to kick, punch and push your way through it. life's a bitch, so they say. and the goal at either end of the field is your destination. so, we push, kick and punch our way through to reach our goal. maybe u want to get straight A's in stpm. so push, kick and punch your way through it till u get the results u want! i don't know. that was what ran through my mind while i was watching the match. stupid really. can't i think of anything else during the match? hahahh-

so, around 7, my family and keong and me went to this concert at shah alam. some lady called sally yeh. my aunty had gotten free tickets for us. the admission was free so what the heck? they all wanted to go. we went along our merry little journey and reached there around 8 i guess. and this concert wasn't in a stadium. its in this open air field. its quite nice actually. (: i took some pictures but its quite dark. hopefully u guys can see it properly. (:

its kinda dark, really. but then i couldn't resist. (: the field is so big! and open. i bet if we don't have the haze we can probably see the stars. (: and its a new area. setia alam or something like that. (: really nice. i think it would be the perfect place to have one of those open air cinemas u know? just put a big screen there and projectors or whatever and good movies and then people from all over can just bring their blankets and snacks. the family and their kids, the lovebirds and each other, all cuddling underneath a blanket of stars, accompanied by nice little breeze and good movies. (: wow. perfect! (: seriously, if i was the project director in form sixth council, i'd definitely suggest this. perfect for so many reasons! wow... (: damn... can't help but smile at the thought. (: there i go again.

at times i feel that things are unfair. its kinda hard to not be upset whenever i have to deal with this. i bet most older siblings feel that way. in spite of how much we might hate our younger siblings, we still love them. and sometimes when we hurt them we feel so bad because our parents always pressure us to take care of the younger ones eventhough they are perfectly able of taking care of themselves. i'm proud to have the sister i have eventhough she has a bad-ass attitude at times. when she's in that behaviour of hers, i absolutely hate her. sigh.. today i don't know what got into her. she started behaving really cranky after she got up from her nap and i had thought that it would pass. obviously it didn't. i don't know what happened to her. i know she's really stressed out about some things i'm not at liberty to say out here. the golden rule of maintaining a good relationship with sisters, friends and boyfs. respect each other's privacy. (: so anyway, i know she's stressed out. but i fucking hate it when she doesn't want to talk about it when i ask her and goes on showing that bitchy face. and she always says this to me whenever i don't want to tell her what's going through my mind, 'see! u always don't tell me how u feel!' whenever she asks me questions i'm expected to answer. but when she doesn't answer, i am supposed to just shut the fuck up. it sucks. i also hate it when she's being all mean and bitchy and my mom just reprimands her a little bit. she went, 'i want a smiling face from u, understand?!'. when i'm being all mean and bitchy, my mom yells at me. my mom will always be nicer to her in one way. and it really hurts u know? and what's awful is that when i tell my sister (really nicely!) to stop showing that face to mom, she just goes, 'i'm tired la ok?!' or 'whatever la' and then rolls her eyes. whenever i'm behaving cranky towards her, i tell her that i'm tired and she'll just say in a really mean way, 'if u're tired don't take your temper out on me la!' i hate it! because whenever i'm already all moody and my mom just yelled its natural for me to have that bitch-look on my face, my sister would come to me and say, 'u better stop with that face. just listen to mommy.' she can say anything to my face. but when i tell her the same thing, she brushes me off. somehow, it pays to have a pretty face. when u're not all that good-looking, people won't look twice at u. maybe i have my dad's features. so whenever i have the mean look on my face, my mom hates it. i don't know. i just wish that people would stop thinking bout my ass of a dad whenever they look at me. sigh... sometimes, it hurts when people tell me that i look horrible when i'm feeling all moody whereas they try to make my sister smile again when she's all moody. like just now at the concert. she was all moody and quiet and mom became nice to her again and keong tried to make her laugh. i was reminded by those times where whenever i'm moody, my mom yells at me and then my sister will tell me, 'stop it!'. i told her to stop with the face when we were behind mom. and she said, 'so?' and walked faster than me a little bit. i hate my sister whenever she behaves like this. and yes. i admit that sometimes i'm a little jealous of her because she's so pretty and i'm not. i hate myself at times for the way i look. every morning i look in the mirror and the face staring out of it is not a person i would like. i hate the way i look. i know i should feel grateful for having a perfectly normal body. but its hard to appreciate it because i just don't have a nice face. sigh... why do people always seem nicer when they think u look really pretty? i hate having a family who yells at me whenever i have a gloomy look on my face and who actually tries being nicer to my sister whenever she has the gloomy look on her face.
what is it about my sister that i lack? is it about the looks?
the pretty face? the cute and rosy cheeks?
so i don't have them. but that doesn't mean that i have no feelings. i also want the feeling of being loved...
for the way i am.
the way i look.
sigh.... but somehow, something like that don't always happen to those who don't have a pretty face.