pain.

my whole body is aching.
the room spins.
my stomach churns.
my arm's bleeding. but it can't be much worse than the bleeding inside my heart.

can it?

family? what family? fuck family. all they do is pick sides. which daughter is the prettier one and who is the smarter one? think i'm wrong? well. prove it. can you honestly tell me that you don't feel that your parents love your younger siblings more than you at times?

why can't you be more tolerant? she's your younger sister!

why is her ________ (subject of choice) marks so poor?! you as the older one should teach her and help her when she needs it! why didn't you help her? why can't you guide her?

sounds familiar? these are the few sentences that are very common among family households who have more than one offspring. i don't know about you. but it is, in my home. i fucking hate it at times. at times i wish i could just turn my back on my sister and turn around and leave. i just can't.

the pain that people inflict among their peers are mentally and emotionally. good for you. i wish i had that privilege. as for me? the pain people inflict on me is physically, mentally and emotionally. back in form1 till middle of form3 i could never fit in. i was never the shy one or the social butterfly. i was never the smart one yet i was never the stupid one. i just couldn't find my place. how i envied those who had friends that stood by. my friends were just like dandelion puffs. one moment of thrill and the next? they fly away. oh there were a few who stood by. they just distanced themselves. maybe it was me. its never their problem. i understand. and maybe, mixing with a cousin who was the probably the blackest sheep of the family had its thrills. i started doing things like her. i kept my nails long and then use them to pinch and twist that teeny weeny little bit of skin. and when they are long enough, bite them off with as much strength as i can muster. it hurts but it kept me sane. oh. i wasn't suicidal. maybe i was but hopefully i will never ever sink that low again. rejection and the fear of not being able to fit in is a poisonous mix.

now, among the family. everyone has probably fought with their siblings at least once in their life. as for my sister and i, we outgrew that phase. somehow, something today brought out the worst among ourselves. we fought, we yell and we pulled each other's hair. literally. we didn't just fight verbally, we fought physically. what happened was, she came downstairs with this sullen face and mean, glaring eyes and told me to go and hang the clothes. now, my sister's favourite tactic when it comes to fighting is 'i never asked you to hang the clothes before!' or 'i never ask you to do the chores before! you did it yourself!' see what i mean? she thinks that she has never asked me to do anything for her before. and its really ridiculous seeing as i do much more than her while her only chores are bathing our doggies and doing her homework or the occassional watering the plants in the garden. i on the other hand, sweep and mop the floor, i wash my own bathroom, i wash the backyard (our darlings are trained to go there and do their business), i water the plants at the backyard and if i have the mood i water the plants in the front also. and to top all that off, i have to fetch my sister here there and everywhere she wants to go, and blasted homework. so this morning my aunt came over to put some pesticide around the corners of our house. that 'darling' sister of mine, put the comforter on the table where its end hung over the edge of the table and touched the corner with the pesticide. i just told her with my 'sengal' voice because i'm having cough and a dry throat not to put it like that. can she please put it properly on the table while waiting for me to hang it? mind you, it was just one comforter. one fucking comforter. not 3 or 4. couldn't she have hung it straight away instead of waiting for me to hang it? and she went, (in her bitchiest tone) 'do you have to shout? i'm not deaf la ok?!' pretty soon, we started yelling. name-calling. her favourite lines, 'look. just because i'm pretty and you're not don't be mad at me if people loves me more ok?' and 'at least i'm prettier than you and you have our father's stupid face' and all sorts of awful things. i called her fat and lame and dumb. i attacked her hair by yanking at it because i couldn't stand hearing her voice in that bitchy tone saying things about me and my hated father and how much we look alike. and pretty soon, i went upstairs crying and shaking and she went, 'cry for what la you? so sensitive!' and as revenge for the awful things she said, i cut off her favourite toy's ear. and she thinks i would feel guilty when she says this, 'you cut the ear and you're cutting mommy's heart.' i straight shot back at her, 'mommy cares more about you'. she finally shut her big mouth up. in the end, she decided to cut my toy's ear off. she ran upstairs and i chased her and the minute she grabbed hold of my toy, i grabbed her hair again and we started yelling again. and in spite of all these cruel name-calling my sister throws at me, my mother reprimands me every single fucking time whenever i made my sister do something! she'll go 'why can't you do that ______ (chore of choice) leh? why must wait for ah bee to do meh? you are the older one ok? just do that ok?' the worst part is, nobody would be on my side every single time we fought. they will go, 'aiyo! she's your younger sister ma. tolerate her ma! you go and fight with her for what? what did you gain? scars on the arm again lor?' these are the scars that not self-inflicted.

my sister's nails are sharp eventhough they are short. this is the kind of wound she can inflict on people if they ever cross her path. in a way, i am glad that her nails are strong and sharp. gives her a weapon to protect herself when she's out on the streets. she'll be safe.

my ex-classmate and i are the oldest in our family. every time we fight with our siblings, we feel awful. there was a time when she fought with her sister physically and the sister end up crying and my friend felt bad. funny how my sister never feels bad when she sees me crying during our fight. instead my sister provokes me even more. i don't know much about the younger siblings, but i do know that everytime we fight with the younger ones, we as the older ones feel awful. its because we have been instilled with the fact that we should take care of our younger siblings since we were kids. if anything happens to the younger sibling while she was playing in the playground, (for example : she fell down and scraped her knee and came home crying) we as the older sibling would be punished. 'why didn't you take care of her?!' that's what mom would say. i don't know if the younger sibling feels bad or not but i hope, for their sakes, they do.

i am not going to apologise to her. seeing as most of our fights start from her bitch-like attitude. however, i do need to apologise to her for tearing up her tuition notes. i did it out of rage. but whatever. when i'm mad, i'm really mad! sometimes i don't recognise myself when we fight. but whatever. what's done is done.

no one needs to care. because no one really does. prove me wrong, will you?