Change.

what is it that make people fear changes? i really have no idea. okay. maybe fear's the wrong word. let me rephrase.

what is it about change that makes people feel reluctant to adapt to changes?

that sounds about right. so what is it? why do people (namely, me. since i'm blogging about things that are bugging me.) feel reluctant? and in some cases, fear the change they're going through? i don't know if i have the answer. but i hope that the more i let out, the faster i come to a conclusion.

i am very reluctant to go through changes that are directed towards me. i know its through change that we learn from mistakes and then grow. but somehow, my reluctance can be the same way as how i am reluctant to go to the market. anyone who has seen me in a market know how i can get. i gag at the sight of dead pigs hanging and their organs laid everywhere, people cutting up fish, people killing chickens. i am very unreasonable when it comes to going to the market with my mother. if i am at the part of the market that's selling dvds, and nicelooking stuff, i am totally fine. call me a sissy. whatever. i couldn't care less. but yes. i am that reluctant. i don't like changes. never have. so when shiang and i came to an agreement where we agreed that change is necessary, i have been very unreasonable. tantrums, tears, arguments, you name it, we've done it. its come to the stage where he can't stand me and i him. we've argued countless of times over these two weeks. its the same argument over and over again. we've been very.. what's the word.. not understanding towards each other's needs and feelings. he picks on my flaws, and i pick on his flaws.

for example, this weekend i had to work as a promoter in giant. i had to go get ice from the ice room at the fish market. the moment i opened the door, i was welcomed, more likely, disgusted and hideously frightened by the sight of it. it was dark, cold and there was a box of dead fish in it. and those fish weren't the small cute ones. it was the huge long ones. there was even a red one. it frightened the nuts out of me because i kept having the thought that if they could preserve fish in there, they could probably have killed other people and hid a fucking dead body in there. i was so frightened to the extend of bursting into tears right there and then.. there is no base to that fear because i have never been frightened of dead fish before. i don't even know what got me. i told shiang, and all he did was say, 'bee. you need to grow up.' on his end, i pick on him whenever he took a glass of water or a bowl of snacks into his room and doesn't take it out. every minor little thing. usually, i would just wash it for him. after all, he's been like this for 21 years. how do you change 21 years of bad habits in just a short span of time?

so, i am not used to the changes where he picks on me. usually, he would try his utmost best to make me feel better if something bothered me. now, he tells me to grow up. call me a spoiled and pampered brat. i have already been so used to being like this for the past half year. how do you expect me to grow up overnight?

it is during times like these that makes me grateful for not having a journal. because everytime i look back at what i wrote oh-so-long ago, i feel embarassed. and sometimes, i write things that make all the old wounds open up and bleed. if i wrote all these in a journal and look back at it 10 years down the road, i'd be hurting all over again. lately, it takes so little to set me off. the tiniest things. writing out my feelings in this blog is better. because it takes a long time for my computer to load stuff. especially when the connection's bad. so if i do read this 10 years down the road, it'll take such a long time for it to load that i'll give up in the end. so i guess its better this way.

see the world. if you see something that appeals to you or makes you happy when you go see the world, it'll be so easy for you to just get up and leave. it isn't as easy for me because somehow, i am a very bitter person who doesn't let go of things easily. you can leave if you want to. because i don't deserve someone as good as you.

but please, just don't ever lie to me.